You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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