Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
