I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I am in a vortex of obligation.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
