..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize