T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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