He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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