He is an equal opportunity slut.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
