I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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