party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
