If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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