And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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