thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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