im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
