I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
