I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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