Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize