My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
