Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
