Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
