there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
