I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
