I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize