well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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