First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
