Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
