when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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