I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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