Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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