Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
