I'm jealous of your bromance
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize