I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
