We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
