No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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