I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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