I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
