was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
