dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize