Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
