Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's just like the Real World with babies
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
