just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
