Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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