New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
