You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm having to shit out rocks
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
