so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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