I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
