Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
MIDGETS
????
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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