I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
As shirtless as possible
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
