your parents love me but you hate me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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