drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Randomize
