ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
