How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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