Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
