Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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