i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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