I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i've created a new STD.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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