so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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