areolas are like halos for boobs.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
