your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
