Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize