Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
