i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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