how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize