I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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