I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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