I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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