Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
