I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
