I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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