Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
