Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
